"I Will Have To Wait"

Last Sunday while sitting in sacrament meeting pondering, I felt this warm feeling when I started to think about something that I felt was given to me as inspiration years ago—it was after I lost my first pregnancy. I had a feeling that came to me as a thousand words in a split second, revealing to me what would become my now long trial. I felt that my loss will not be saved by an instantaneous blessing of motherhood, but that I will have to wait. 

The first weeks of my first pregnancy were all smiles and joy. I googled every single name there is on the planet, looking for the perfect name for our future boy or girl. Everyday, I was thinking about my baby in my belly. I would get books to read about baby development and how to eat right and be healthy. My world turned to this tiny, raspberry sized baby, who had taken me to a new world I never knew existed. The evening when I started to spot, I called my mother-in-law, who had lost pregnancy before to consult with her what I should do and if it was normal. The next morning, I called my doctor, and he sent me to the hospital to get my blood drawn. On the way home, my cramping became very sharp and I knew the baby was now gone. I came home, had my body complete it's natural thing. Brad took me to a restaurant and I got myself cotton candy to cheer me up.

During pregnancy, there were a couple of social things I had experienced from individuals that broke my heart. When I announced my pregnancy, some people took it hard, or were not happy for me; I was told that my pregnancy didn't matter until I passed through the first trimester. Around that time, I felt as though I was the only one on cloud nine about this pregnancy. Their words^{(D&C 122:7)} ached my heart, especially when I did miscarry. However, Heavenly Father turned my heart to another direction and asked me to never make anyone feel the way I felt when I was pregnant. I made a promise to myself to celebrate life and celebrate expecting mothers like I wanted to be celebrated. 

Years followed, my husband and I moved from state to state, and yes I had many oppositions and tears. I watched my friends get married and have babies, and I was excited for them. I felt joy watching them receive their precious spirits. Soon, I got nieces and nephew, and they became my world (even though I live far away from all of them). I felt that if I couldn't enjoy the blessings of having my own children, I could love children that were given to me through other people. Through this trial, I truly was given a way to ease my pain and burden by serving and loving children around me. Though, after long long years of waiting and celebrating, and seeing that my dream has not being fulfilled, some celebrations were harder to celebrate. Some required all my strength to feel happy and celebrate with the expecting mother, that sometimes, I would need to lie on the floor and cry praying for strength to make it through this trial and not become bitter.  

Sheri Dew's talk "Are We Not All Mothers" helped me keep my perspective when times became difficult.

"When we understand the magnitude of motherhood, it becomes clear why prophets have been so protective of woman’s most sacred role. While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity, in the Lord’s language, the word mother has layers of meaning. Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve “the mother of all living”—and they did so before she ever bore a child. Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born. Just as worthy men were foreordained to hold the priesthood in mortality, righteous women were endowed premortally with the privilege of motherhood. Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us." 

It is in our divine nature as women to be mothers, before our dream is realized. 

May we be courteous to others happy times, because they deserve yours love and celebration. Plus, you get to PARTY too!

💝